Fever.

I can’t be certain of what happened but I’m pretty sure it went like this:

He changed his mind. It feels like a sudden fever that spreads from your head into the rest of your body making you ache with the sickness of fear. I felt in my bones, my lungs and my heart. It shivered through my veins, moving like poison. He has changed his mind about me. It’s hard to hear the reasons when all you can think is; I wasn’t perfect enough. I contain my despair and force my howl into the dark. I still love you. How can I ever love myself if he doesn’t love me?

Love is only beautiful when it has been blemished by sadness. Always, you feel most alive when you're ready to die. 

Pain makes reality come into sharp focus. The only time I’ve ever felt so alive was when I felt like dying. 

I’m overthrown with self-hatred. I open the plastic bag he left outside of my door. My favourite shirt smells of him. I lunge forward and vomit in my paper bin. My hands shake as I grasp the metal edge of the bin. A sharp ache hits my chest and I want to die.

I want

 I want

I want

Help.

 No. I shake my head and refuse myself that privilege. I lost that when I decided I liked no-one. I won’t let anyone else carry my burden.

I have a choice.

Carry myself or kill myself. If I stop caring I’ll survive. I’ll be like a ghost. If I die, I’ll definitely stop caring. I will stop existing one way or another.

I notice the pain killers on the dresser.

This was the moment that I would die inside.

Poetry is a lie and love is dead. There's only beauty in indifference.

I sit alone in bed, left with my thoughts. I open the curtains slighting and glance towards the stars; it is a clear sky and I can't help but smile. My phone lights up and I see that name grace it's screen. I feel a swelling in my chest and it makes my heart ache. That name. It provokes desire, love and happiness and I let these all of these feelings overwhelm me for a short moment. But then they withdraw, allowing me to breathe. One thought lingers in my mind.

Where have you been my whole life?

I once dreamt that our souls were carved out of the stars and that we were two halves of one star.